In the course of life, however, I do occasionally mention our adoption plans. Such was the case yesterday. I was flying along, and the conversation turned to family. Inevitably, the question came up, "Do you have any kids?" I do not, and answered accordingly. Then he asked, "Are you trying?" This, I thought odd. Not only was a stranger inquiring about a rather personal and intimate affair, but in doing so, implied there are only two options regarding children. To have them, or to be trying to have them. There is, of course, the third option, to which Mrs. Sarcasm and I had long stood firm, but no longer do: we don't want any kids. So, sensing what might come next, I took a breath and announced that we are adopting. The next question out of his mouth was right on target.
"How much is that costing you?"
Really? Is that really something I'm expected to answer? And do you, a total stranger, really believe it's any of your business?
So, as we've gone through this process, the stupidity of the general public has come up a few times. It is reality that we will face ignorance along the way. We will be what is known as a conspicuous family. Because our child will be from South Korea, they will, in all likelihood, look very different from their parents. This, it seems, is an invitation to all sorts of Stupid Adoption Questions, which I, fitting this blog, have decided to call Sarcastically Answered Questions. Keep in mind, these answers are only reserved for the most blatant ignorance. If someone is genuinely interested in the process, I am glad to educate them through informative discussion.
If, however, you are simply an ass...
Q. How much is adoption costing you?
A. You know all the plastic surgery you need? Not quite so much as that.
Q. Will your Korean baby have an accent?
A. Since the baby's room will be yellow, we're thinking purple accents.
Q. Don't you want to have real children?
A. Real children are too much work. And these fake ones are dishwasher safe.
Q. Do you get to pick the child you're adopting?
A. Oddly, it's a lot like a pet store. The kids in the biggest cages are the most fun.
Q. What do you know about their real mother?
A. Quite a bit. I've been married to her for 14 years.
Q. Can't you have your own kids?
A. Our Korean will come with ownership papers.
Q. Will your Korean eat American food?
A. Only fast food. And only Asian Chao.
Q. Can you give it back if you change your mind.
A. Only with a receipt. Much like Coscto.