Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Exploring New Worlds

That seems like a good title for a post on writing fiction.  Alas, what follows is a true and somewhat frightening tale of my new life.  Sometime soon, I will become a father, a change which requires forays into heretofore unknown territory.  Awhile back, we ventured into the baby store.  I had never been.  Didn't know they existed to such degree and had no idea the amount of stuff babies need.  Thank heavens they put everything on display to help me.  It was quite daunting for someone who not only didn't know anything, but who didn't know what it was I didn't know.  Did that make sense?  Let me try again. 

It's not that I didn't know the answers.  It's that I didn't know there were subjects about which questions existed that required answers.   If you're still confused, read the definition of froggered.

Well I sure was glad the people at the baby store put everything so clearly on display, because not knowing what one needs becomes a bit less challenging when they just show you that you need everything.  And we must because it was all there, bright and colorful at every turn.  Of course I'll need a new home to fit it all.  And a large garage.  And a warehouse.  Or perhaps they would let us take up residence in a small corner of the store.  This would add the convenience of having a baby photo studio right in our home, which, they (along with a few others) so helpfully informed me, is one more thing we need.  So while everyone may continue to tell us everything we need, and I will foolishly suggest we wait until we see whether we need it, I can relax in knowing it is readily available somewhere on the very high shelves of our new home, open to the public Mon thru Sat 9 - 9 and Sundays 11 - 6.

However, on the off chance they don't let us move into the store, a couple of days ago we went to a baby consignment sale.  I thought this unnecessary since we already had our own, never-been-used and still-in-the-original-package baby, but was pleasantly surprised to discover no infants with price tags.  Instead there was lots and lots of stuff.  Almost as much as the baby store, but more disturbing were the mommies.  They were all-too familiar with all this baby stuff and spoke a language neither I, nor Momma Sarcasm, understood.  We felt like strangers in a strange land.  Like explorers on an alien world.  How long had this society existed?  What were the customs and practices?  How does one adapt to their social norms?  And why were there so many super-sized drinks from McDonald's in the strollers'* cupholders?  Needless to say, we came home with more stuff we absolutely need.  Our house is beginning to look like the hillbilly neighbors', ready to burst at the seams.

At any rate, here is my child's foot, taken last week.  That is one mammoth big toe.  Not that we're expecting a pachyderm.  In fact, we don't know what we're having.  Well, a human, I expect, but we don't know the sex and have been pretty surprised no one has slipped up at any of these ultrasound appointments.  I've been diligent about telling them not to tell us.  Still, I can just see us making it to the last hour and some nurse walks in to the delivery room to congratulate us on our little girl.  Not that we think it's a girl, although Momma Sarcasm thinks there is a taco in this picture, but why would they give us a picture showing the goods when they know we don't want to know?  Still, we photoshopped the taco out, lest some smarmy blog reader, who actually knows what they're looking at, congratulates us on our little girl.  And if little girls' ultrasound bits actually do look like little tacos, do keep it to yourselves.

*Henceforth, strollers shall be referenced as prams.  That is what the British call them.  And I am worldly.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Caught In A Loop

Perhaps Blogger is confused, but I can't leave any comments anywhere, except as anonymous.  When I try to sign in, I am put into an endless loop that takes me to the sign-in page, where I sign in, then back to the comment form, where I am anonymous.  So I scroll down to select my account and am taken back to the sign-in page and on and on and on and on....

I would ask if anyone else is experiencing this, but if you are, how could you answer yes?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Gun-Toting Mamas

With fatherhood looming (Just get here already.  It feels like it's been three years) what better way to celebrate than a collection of mom's-to-be, awash in the glow of...wait?  What?  Oh, pardon me.  That glow is the from the hot muzzle.  For some reason...for some, ungodly reason, the interwebs teems with pictures of pregnant women posing with firearms.  So let's celebrate that.

I said NO jackboots on the new sod!

Tom assumed she'd never know he didn't wear a condom.  Eventually, she figured it out.

Does this really need an explanation?

On second glance, you're right.  It's a lovely pattern.  My apologies.

Oh yeah?  Well what's your nursery look like?


No gun, but how could I not?

Yeah.  I stole all these pictures.  What are you gonna do, shoot me?