Monday, August 29, 2011

The Deadliest Flight?

Well, I'm no crab fisherman, but according to Career Builder, my profession has the third highest fatality rate per 100,000.

  1. Fishers and related fishing workers: 116
  2. Logging workers: 91.9
  3. Aircraft pilots and flight engineers: 70.6
  4. Farmers and ranchers: 41.4
  5. Mining machine operators: 38.7
  6. Roofers: 32.4
  7. Refuse and recyclable materials collectors: 29.8
  8. Driver/sales workers and truck drivers: 21.8
  9. Industrial machinery installation, repair and maintenance workers: 20.3
  10. Police and sheriff's officers: 18.0
So how do you like that?  For every 100,000 pilots that take off, only 99,929.4 land alive.  Thus far, I've been among them, but time will get me as it got that sixth-tenth of a pilot.  That wasn't pretty.  Having said that, I don't think I'd fair any better in some of these other professions.

I could never make it number 6 as a roofer, since my two biggest fears are roofs and ladders.  At first glance I was surprised at number 7 on the list.

Who knew garbage collection was so fraught with danger?  But I suppose people throw away some volatile stuff.

Sales workers at number 8?!?  I guess some people took Death of a Salesman quite literally.

Maybe I could be a cop.  But maybe not.  The numbers say it's safer, but even with such a high mortality rate, no one is shooting at me.

I think I'll stay a pilot for a while.  It's still the best part-time, full-paying job for me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Who To Query? Or Is It Whom?

Irregardless, which is not a word, but irks Mama Sarcasm when I use it, I'm slowly getting back to querying.  The question isn't really which agent I should query.  I shall query any and all agents offering a modicum of interest, which is to say, I shall query all agents.  I don't know who's going to be interested, after all.  But I wondered what kind of agent is more attractive.  Is it the established agent with years of experience, multiple clients and a long list of contacts?  Or is it the new agent, just starting out and trying to build a client list?

There is good and bad about both.  And truthfully, I do not know.  I'm just hoping to query the agent that likes my story and will best represent it, and me.

What say you?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I've got a major announcement to announce, but it's leaving me uneasy.  In order to do this right, I feel I have to reveal my true identity.  This, I fear, could backfire, since I've written some not-so-nice things about some real people, like my next door neighbors and a few of the morons I've worked with.  Not that I give two rats about the idiots I fly with, but my neighbors, despite what I've written (all true, by the way) are actually decent people.  Dare I say, good friends?  Well, friends, anyway.

Of course, in the interest of snarkiness, I should point out that Howard mowed his lawn today.  Again, he went about three months between cuttings, and picked one of the rainiest days of the year, yet again, meaning the clumpy grass kept clogging his mower, causing him to restart.  This is not news.  What is news is the strange apparatus he wore which, from a distance, appeared to be one of those masks you put in the freezer and then wear to keep cool.  He had it on his forehead.  Only Moira's Bret Michaels headband would have completed the ensemble.  At least he wore a shirt this time.

At any rate, good news coming soon.  Start saving your dollars.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Sweet Sound Of Silence. And Laughter.

Somehow my boy has convinced both his parents he will only sleep peacefully if rocking in his swing.  The same swing I railed against purchasing, for fear he wouldn't like it and I would then be stuck with this behemoth of a contraption taking up precious space in my minimalist home.  Glad I was wrong on that one.  But I feared he had become too accustomed to sleeping in this thing, so today, having no confidence it would actually take, I put him in his crib.  Now, two hours and sixteen minutes later, he's still dozing peacefully.  Let's hope this sticks.  I don't want to end up like Howard and Moira, with a nine-year-old who still sleeps in their bed.

Oh, and he's started smiling this week.  Not quite on demand, but quite cutely.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Howard The Garbage Thief

I haven't had to stretch too far to show that my next door neighbor is lazy.  Lest you've forgotten, read about the dead fish, the mulch pile, or the one-year-old, Portugese-speaking baby.   But now comes a new level of laze.  For the past few weeks, I've noticed an extra black trash bag appearing in my garbage bin.  I only use white bags.

Today was trash day and last night, I caught all 350 shirtless pounds of Howard sneaking back across the street from the neighbor's garbage can.  Apparently I was too slow getting mine out to the curb, so Howard had to go across the street.  I can't help but wondering if that really is less work than actually dragging his own garbage can from the side of the house.

Of course, the real irony is that Howard takes out the trash at all.  With a greasy sheen for a floor; ants crawling on the counter tops; dead fish under the furniture and dog crap on the bottom of everybody's feet, what could be so repulsive that even Howard throws it away?

Best I not find out.  My garbage can will be at the curb Sunday and Wednesday nights.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Ten Things To Not Say To An Airline Pilot

After forty days on maternity leave, it was back to work today.  Some things haven't changed.  The traveling public is still a collective moron.  So to help on your next foray into an airport, here are some tips.

If you see a person with three or more stripes on their shoulders, that person is a pilot.

  1. The pilot does not know which carousel your bags will be on.
  2. The pilot does not know why your plane, not his plane, is late.
  3. The pilot does not want to hear your most horrendous travel tales.
  4. The pilot is not scared to fly the plane.
  5. If the pilot is sitting in a passenger seat, he is not supposed to be flying the plane. 
  6. The pilot has, in fact, flown in some really bad weather.
  7. If the pilot is talking on the phone, do not approach the pilot and speak to him as if he is not talking on the phone.  He still will not know where your bags are.
  8. The pilot is (most likely) not drunk.  If you think you are making a funny joke, the joke will be on you.  The pilot will announce over the loudspeaker that the flight will be delayed while he leaves the airport to pee in a cup.  The pilot will also name you as his accuser, to your fellow passengers.
  9. Before you ask the pilot a stupid question, look around at the airport signage.  
  10. The pilot does not know where you parked your car.