Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm Falling Apart

What a horrible day I'm having.  I've been waking up around six AM all week.  Not because I've been working.  Six comes, I'm done.  Yesterday seemed promising, but I'd committed to flying with my friend Joe.  I hadn't been in a small plane in years, and didn't really want to go.  And guess what?  Small planes behave much differently from large, automated ones.

Then, today, waking early again, I checked email on my iPod.  Another rejection.  Normally, I shrug them off, but this was the earliest I've ever gotten one.  To start the day with it was not good.

I'm depressed.  Ready to quit.  Wasting my time.  The Mrs. and I took a good long walk, which is usually therapeutic.  She's good for stuff like that.  Listening to me whine about why I'm bothering with all this when I have a very good job and why can't I just be happy with that?  It was decided writing is my passion.  That which I do for free.  For love.  With or without recognition.  Which should be something.

But at the moment, it isn't.  Because walking six miles on my feet generally results in some sorry-ass pain.

I have heel spurs -- little hooks of bone on the bottom of each foot, straining tendons that aren't designed to strain.  Standard treatment is a cortisone shot, which was scheduled pre-walk.  Pre-rejection.  A four inch needle plunged into my heel.  Slowly, ever so slowly, the cortisone seeped into the tissue.  Round and round, twisting and pushing, the needle found more and more nerves to terrorize.

The result:  Nothing.  Typical.  I'm the 1% of people typical treatments don't work on.

And November is looming.  I hate November.  I'll be working Thanksgiving.  Again.  I have to study all month for my checkride.  Again.  So I don't lose my job and have the privilege of working on Thanksgiving taken away.  This November, Joe is getting married.  At Disney World.  Thanksgiving weekend.  I can't think of a worse place to go at a worse time.  I want to do NaNo.  Too much going on.


Life sucks.

9 comments:

Traci said...

Sorry for your sucky day - that corisone shot sounds...yikes!! Sorry it didn't work!! (I had a similar experience - LONG story - I have leg circulation issues at the ripe old age of 40, and I had leg "procedures" done in office - the most painful ever, ever, ever, and they didn't work at all).

Anyway, hang in there. As Jane Austen says:
If things are going untowardly one month, they are sure to mend the next.

I hope that's true!

Matt said...

Thanks Traci. And thanks for using the word untoward. It's one of my favorites.

Lt. Cccyxx said...

It's hard, and certainly no help when you're sleep deprived and in pain and feel really constrained by your job. And then you think, and this is natural, how much simpler things would be if you cut out the indulgent hobby of writing and just focused on what pays the bills or what's necessary (like your medical treatments). Why add in the extra complexity?

But, you said it yourself, you do it for yourself and you shouldn't cut out the things you love.

When I feel this way, I try to temporarily lower my expectations of myself to get some breathing room. I just say, "Screw it, I'm not querying at all until next month" or "I guess I'm just not getting to the gym this week" or "Tonight I am going to pop a Nyquil at 6:30 and go immediately to bed, and fuck it all." And I'm fine with it, don't beat myself up over it. I'll phase things back in when stuff has calmed down and I feel better.

I hope you get past this crappy day and crappy month!

Holly Ruggiero said...

Bleck! What a way to start a day. I’m sorry it sucked. So, I have to ask was it Joe’s idea to get hitched at Disneyland or Mrs. Joe.

Jeanne said...

Sounds like I have not seen you in way too long. YOu need a shot of "positivity." Do you remember when I told you that finding an agent is often harder than finding a publisher? How about refocusing? We can work on that?

Amy Saia said...

It is so very hard!! Sometimes I think it's luck and time and whoyaknow. But you have to hang in their because you'll never know if you don't stick it out to the end. Someone recently had gone through three hundred agents before finding one to take on their project.

Matt said...

Thanks for the encouragement everybody. Today is much better. And my hooks don't hurt. Small miracles.

Holly - I'm pretty sure Disney World was Joe's idea. He tends to not think things through very well.

Erica M. Chapman said...

Aww, hang in there ;o) It's part of the process. I'm sure it's hard to start your day like that... I'll be going through it probably next year sometime. I hope you feel better.

It always gets better ;o)

Holly Ruggiero said...

Matt, you're a raffle winner. I don't see contact info for you here. Could you please contact me so I may email you your prize. (http://www.hollyruggiero.com/Home/contact-me) And congrats!