Fewer cliches, fewer words (223 down from 262), some different words, here is lucky version 13.
Twelve-year-old Skully longs for the kind of excitement missing from his family's stuffy old mansion. The day he finally meets his father, the abhorred pirate, Captain ‘Mad Grave’ Smith, Skully embarks on an adventure destined for a horrible end—his own.
Skully never heard of a long dead ruler named Grimstoke until his mom died protecting the secrets of his accursed ring. Taking refuge among pirates, Skully finds Captain Smith isn’t such a bad guy after all. But when Grimstoke’s ring ‘accidentally’ finds its way onto Skully’s finger, his dad ends up cursed. Grimstoke’s evil spirit possesses Captain Smith and starts sucking souls from the inhabitants of pirate-controlled San Iguana. Grimstoke will only last so long in Captain Smith’s body. As Grimstoke’s last living descendent, Skully possesses the one thing that can prevent his dad’s death. Torn by his dad’s fate and guilt over his mom’s death, running away looks pretty good. But souls are disappearing fast. The only way to save everyone is to give Grimstoke what he needs—Skully’s soul.
SKULLY THE PIRATE AND GRIMSTOKE'S CURSE is an upper middle grade adventure sprinkled with humor and a dash of paranormal fantasy. It is complete at 60,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and several critique groups. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
5 comments:
I really like the premise of the story. Now, mine you I have no clue about queries at the point in the game for me. This part “Taking refuge among pirates, Skully finds Captain Smith isn’t such a bad guy after all.” Needs something to flow into the next part perhaps he starting to get to know his dad or like him or something. The rest seems smooth.
Nice!! I like it. Super-dramatic last sentence (Skully's soul) that definitely makes me want to read on (which, I think, is the purpose of that paragraph).
Best of luck!!!
Matt I think it looks pretty good. You can sign your letter with your blogsite,website, whatever at the bottom to indicate that you have one. I am feeling that the middle paragraph is a bit long so I would find a place to make it 2. Easier on the eyes.
Keep the faith. Your story is good. You're a good writer. You are pretty convincing....it will all work out. Meanwhile enjoy writing for your own self.
That sounds fantastic! I'm so jealous you have a book at the query stage. I'm so far away it sucks. I hoped to be there Sept, then Oct. Now it's november and it ain't happening. I need to step away from my book get some distance. In the meantime, I'm playing with my shiny new idea. Keep us posted with your successes. With a query like that you are sure to real in a few bites.
Dana
AKA girl with one eye
He MC, I just read this cool entry in Nathan Bransford's blog - it just reiterates that you're on the right track, I think, inserting bits of humor into your query (basically, he says here to be professional, but also "be yourself"). Just wanted to pass this along:
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/11/importance-of-being-yourself.html
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