Monday, January 17, 2011

The No-Denim Condominium

Life in Florida can scarcely be lived without encountering the homeowner's association.  It is an unnecessary evil that, to date, I have yet to find a way around.  My own hillbilly, hoarding, white trash, NASCAR-loving (I see that was rather redundant) neighbors have not only insinuated themselves onto our board, but they also work in the front office, taking complaints from people who might want to complain about their NASCAR-loving neighbors.  As such, I have but one option when it comes to maintaining at least some semblance of re-sale value.  Hence, I spend the day planting privacy hedges.

However, even our Nazi regime hasn't instigated this rule, which comes from our stuck up neighbors to the far west in Naples, Florida.  It seems there is an association over there that does not allow denim to be worn within its gates.  That's right, no jeans, no jean shorts, jean jackets, jean skirts, jean blouses and for god's sake, no jean hats.  I can not fathom the type of people who prefer this kind of living, but then, I suppose they probably can't fathom me.  There is, apparently, one caveat.  Jeans can be worn only to walk to one's car, but they must then vacate the premises immediately.  No detours to the Dumpster, or returning to one's home lest they've forgotten something.  In both cases, a change of attire is mandatory.

You may think I'm making this up, but if you lived down here you would be less surprised.  Don't forget, I live in a neighborhood with a three gate entry system that makes it more challenging for residents to enter than guests. (Thank you Howard.)  In fact, impatient people smash through the gates so often they are now wrapped in Nerf.

I can, however, come and go as I please in whatever I desire.  This pleases me, because it has recently been made socially acceptable for men to wear velour suits.  I bought one in every color and will be wearing one when I go condo shopping in Naples.

8 comments:

Holly Ruggiero said...

Wow. No denim? I thought everybody loved demin. Shows how much I know. Your neighbors will love the velour suits.

Jeanne said...

Hope you have yellow!

We have a rather inactive condo association which delights me, but they prefer to slug it out on email to our community website. So that has provided some interesting reading for me, and writing as well. They are great for writing material.

Charlotte Jane Ivory said...

Wow, MC! I find that bizarre... I'm imagining security guards stopping residents in the manicured streets, and performing mandatory "cotton density tests". LOL.
Of course, I live in a "hippy" community by the beach, where a no-denim rule would mean most of the residents would be naked from the waist down!

Amy Saia said...

How do people come up with these rules? It's kind of funny.

Ted Cross said...

Oh, I hate neighborhood associations. They remind me of the communist days in the Soviet Union when there were informers everywhere frightening folks into submission. When will Americans learn that they need to dump these things?

Ted Cross said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erica M. Chapman said...

OMG really? No Jeans. I.would.die. Seriously though, why does that matter at all?? Who's it hurting? Weird.

Dana Elmendorf said...

This is crazy. I have 29 pairs of jeans. I live in jeans. I'd have to become an agoraphobic.

PS. At a glance, I thought your post title read: No-Denim Condoms. I was like, thank god, that would be rough.