Friday, September 18, 2009

Frackin' Catholics

Okay, before you strike me down to Hell, just know I'm one of them. Yes, 12 years of catholic school resulted in the cynicism of this blog. But don't worry, I've already got reservations in Hell for far worse than this. (if you ask my brother he'll say it's because I'm catholic.)

It's been almost twenty years since I escaped the godawful institution known as High School, and since then, I'ven't had a single dealing with that place. But private schools must have some serious covert operations keeping track of people, because no matter where I am, they find me. In the last two decades I've moved half a dozen times, held countless jobs and relocated across the country. Yet they always know where I am.

Why are they looking for me?

They want my money. For weeks I've been getting emails and postcards asking that I update my personal information so they'll know how to reach me. Today I got a thick brochure titled - Honor Roll of Investors. Translation - these are the people so successful in life they credit us, the all boys private catholic high school, with making them the men they are today so they're willing to shell out ridiculous sums of money because the outrageous tuition we charge isn't enough to keep the priests out of the locker room.

In this booklet they list the names of donors to the school. But they break them into groups, based on the amount donated and call them clubs.

For $25,000 you can join an exclusive club whose members number as many corporations as individuals, but I assure you they are all the blue-bloods I couldn't stand - trust fund babies whose daddies got them jobs working for their country club buddies.

I've never been rich, though I'd like to give it a try. Even so, I won't be joining any of these clubs any time soon.

What was I doing there?

Suffering. Maybe that will get me into Heaven.

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