Since it's been raining televisions inside my home I headed to the nearest home improvement superstore. There I found a diminutive associate to whom I explained my predicament, expressing my desire to repair the rather sizable hole in the wall from whence the telly departed.
"Are you going to put the TV back in the same spot?" asked the woman, in rather a manly voice.
Given how well it worked the last time, I considered this question suspect. Eying my accuser with distrust (since I assumed she assumed me an idiot), I gave a slow, but wide circle of the head and expressed a drawn out, "Nooo."
"Well, you should," she said. "Now's the time to take advantage of that hole. Reinforce it with two by fours," she bobbed her head and shoulders in opposite directions. "Like you should have done in the first place."
Now she truly was branding me an moron.
What would Larry do?
"Well," I began slowly. I straightened my back, drawing up to my full height, peering over her crew cut. "I put my faith in the drywall anchors you claim hold 50 pounds. I used six."
"Really?" she sounded skeptical.
"Oh yeah," I nodded.
"Well, we tell everyone to follow the manufacturers instructions."
"The manufacturer said it would hold."
"Did you test the strength of the drywall?" she asked.
"The strength of the drywall?"
"Sometimes there are weak spots."
"Really?" I nodded, wide-eyed. "Well, I guess so."
"Right," she said. "My guess is you didn't test it."
I shook my head, incredulous. "What test? I didn't know there was a test."
"You test the drywall for strength," she explained.
"Thanks," I said. "I get that."
"Well I wasn't sure," she said. "Since you didn't test it."
"Well had I known...there was some sort of test...I could perform...I would have. How do you do this test? Is there a kit?"
"A kit?" she repeated.
"A kit," I repeated. "Do you sell some sort of drywall test kit?"
"No, I don't think so," she said. "I never heard of any thing like that."
"What?" I threw my hands up in disbelief. "What are you talking about? You just recommended I do this test."
"Yeah, you test the drywall," she said. "There's no kit."
"Well then what was I supposed to do?"
"You need to make certain the wall is strong enough to support what you want to hang."
"How am I supposed to do that without hanging something there, like, say, a tel-e-vis-ion?" Now she had a blank expression. "It's not like I can just lean on the wall and see if I fall through it."
"Fall through it?" she said. "Why would you fall through your wall?"
I shook my head in exasperation.
"And by the way," I said. "I never said I put the TV up on the wall."
"You told me it fell off your wall."
"That doesn't mean I put it up there. Maybe..." I wagged a finger. "I moved in and it was already there." I raised a defiant eyebrow and leaned back in triumph.
"Why would someone leave their TV when they move?"
"I might have negotiated it into the deal," I said.
"Nobody's going to negotiate that."
"Yes they would. They might. You don't know what someone might do."
"It's common sense," she said. "Nobody's going to leave a TV."
"Yes they might," I insisted. "People leave all kinds of things. Some people like furniture and they offer to buy it with the house. Or, what about appliances? People leave appliances all the time. You never buy a house that doesn't come with appliances. Or curtains. You know, window treatments. I once talked a guy into a lawnmower, 'cause I was buying his house and didn't have one. He gave me his lawnmower."
"Who cares about a lawnmower?" she said. "Where are you even getting that from?"
"Because," I said. "It's the same as the TV. I just substituted the lawnmower for the TV. It's the same thing."
"No," she said. "It's not."
"It is the same," I said. "Why isn't it the same?"
"Sir," she said. "If I have a TV that's nice enough to mount on a wall, I'm taking it with me when I move."
"That's what you might do," I said. "But you don't know these people. You never met them before I moved in."
"You're right," she agreed. "I didn't know them."
"Hmph," I cocked my head. "I didn't think so."
"But they didn't leave that TV," she said. "Did they?"
She had me.
"You shouldn't accuse your customers," I told her. "It's not good for business."
She smiled and pointed. "Drywall patch is down that aisle. And new TVs are over there."