Friday, November 20, 2009

Who's Your Shower Groomer?

Can you say awkward?  You would if you lived next door to my neighbors.  I've resisted posting too much about real people in my life, for fear they're somehow going to stumble upon my blog.  Or worse, I send them an email and forget to delete the link in my signature.  But this I could not resist.

A few minutes ago my neighbor, Howard, came over to borrow a saw.  It seems his wife is pregnant and he wants to get started on the baby's room.  He's planning chair rails, window moldings, fresh paint, everything and a kite.

Of course, Howard can't just stop by, borrow something and leave.  He has to tell us all about the problems in his life.  Over the years I've learned how his parents favored his sister over him, even sending her to an expensive private school, while Howard schlepted through with the publics.  I've learned all about his parents divorce, and how his father liked to gamble.  I've heard complaints about all his friends, the residents in our community (Howard inserted himself onto the association board a few years ago), and, just this evening, that his pregnant wife lost her mucous plug.

I have no idea what a mucous plug is, but for a woman 8 1/2 months pregnant...oh didn't I mention that?  Yeah.  He's just now getting started on the baby's room.  This after telling Mrs. Sarcasm he couldn't do it last week because he was having a vasectomy.  Kinda personal, don't you think?  And besides, she's overweight, 43 and a smoker.  Oh, and their seven year old sleeps in their bed.  That should be birth control enough, but she is, after all, pregnant right now.  As she has been for nearly nine months.  Apparently Howard's been too busy until tonight, when he walked in to my house and announced that the mucous plug was lost and the baby was due any day, so could he please borrow my saw to start on the room.

Then he dropped another doozy.  There's been a bathroom in a state of dissarray for a while now, and I mean years, and he finally fixed it.  So, while his pregnant wife was showering, he told us, he had to help groom her, but fell through the wall.  I guess he didn't test the drywall.

Did I mention he weighs around 350 pounds and she probably tops 200 when not pregnant?

Now picture them together in the shower.  And he's grooming her, whatever that means.

Why he feels no shame in sharing these types of things, I'll never know.  And I don't want to know, because its now fodder for my blog.  That's right.  I'm starting a new feature all about my neighbors.  And believe me, this just skims the surface.


Wendy Sparrow said...

Shower groomer. That just brought on a complete smirk.

Girl with One Eye said...

Um...thanks for the visual. I think I feel sick. Dude, test the freaking dry wall already! *laughing* Send out a neighborhood memo. Your neighbors are a piece of work.

Erica said...

LOL- You crack me up. Seriously horrid visual... Gah. Can't wait to read more about the kooky neighbors :o)

Mary said...

Way too much information. But nonetheless hilarious.

Matt said...

So much more to come. SoOoOo much more.

Angela said...

Haha...more! More!