Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Wondering which of my lies was true?  The answers are after the animal pics.

Still trying to find that owl?  It’s right in the middle.  It was the only way I knew I would be able to find it after I took the picture. 



Same thing with the green anole.  Right in the middle.

green anole circled

Lies!  All lies!  Well, that’s a lie.  One is true.

1.  Early in my Florida years, a pit bull chased me on the beach.  Wishing very much to avoid a mauling, I scrambled up a coconut tree just like Gilligan.  Little did I know, the dog's very apologetic owner was the organizer of the Coconut Scramble, an annual tree climbing competition.  Upon seeing what a dexterous primate I was, he signed me up straightaway, even waiving the entrance fee.  I took fourth place with a time of 34 seconds and won a coupon for a coconut daiquiri. 

LIE – The nearest coconut tree is next door, in Hotpants yard.  Even if I wanted to climb it, she never opens her blinds, so she’d never see me, or give me a prize.

2. For a brief time, I was the fourth lead singer in Van Halen, between Gary Cherone and Sammy Hagar, who returned for one tour in 2004.  We had about half an album's worth of material, but I was forced to leave the group over a dispute involving a spoiled potato left in the studio refrigerator.

LIE – And too bad.  I’m a much better singer than Lee Roth.  But then, who isn’t?

3. While visiting a cousin in New Jersey, I was sent to borrow ice from the next door neighbor.  Instead, I went down the street.  To Whitney Houston's house.  She was out of ice.

True!  When I was sixteen I took my first trip to the Garden State.  My cousin, who I’d never met, was some big time Newark lawyer.  (Yeah, you read that right.)  Apparently his firm represented such big time 80’s celebrities as Joe Piscopo, which my cousin pronounced Pis-COP-o.  He also lived down the street from Whitney Houston, who was throwing a birthday party for herself the next week and sent out posters of herself as invitations.  Her house was set far back, out of sight from the road, but I rang the bell and security answered, quite flummoxed by my request for ice.  A rather large and intimidating fellow came out after a few minutes to announce they didn’t have any ice.

4. While selling insurance door to door, a German Shepherd cornered me on a porch.  I spent 5 hours pinned between the screen door and the front door until the owner came home.

LIE – But it did happen to a friend of mine.

5. I own a pair of white jeans - my fun jeans - that I used to wear to pick up chicks.  Mrs. Sarcasm made me get rid of them when we started dating, but I had them shrink wrapped and keep them in a trunk in my parent's attic.

LIE – I got this idea from a re-run of The Office, where Michael Scott takes his fun jeans to a paper convention, where he throws a party nobody comes to.

6. In high school, I worked at the McDonald's where the McDLT was invented.  My friend Prissy Bower came up with the idea, though not the slogan, to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

LIE – I didn’t meet him until many years later, but Prissy Bower claims to have been there.  Except the slogan part.  I made that up.

7. I have naturally curly hair.  Like Will Ferrel in Semi-Pro.  I've been using a straightener since I was 17.

LIE – My hair is as straight as Hugh Hefner.


Tina Lynn said...

*in a Joisey accent* No ice. It's ridiculous.

Wendy Ramer said...

Loved the pit bull story. That's the kind of thing that could actually happen but no one would believe it b/c truth is sometimes less believable than fiction. I'm bummed it was fiction ;-(

Matt Ryan said...

Hey Matt,

I hope your hair isn't as old as Hugh Hefner.

Kirsten Lesko said...

HAHAHA! I love 3-5.

Jm Diaz said...

"as straight as Hugh Hefner".. fantastic!

Travener said...

You really had me fooled with that Van Halen story...not.

Amy Saia said...

Oh the humanity. No ice from Whitney. That's funny. Your lies were very convincing!!

Patti said...

I loved your lies and your truth was even better.

Being stuck between doors was hilarous.

Lola Sharp said...

My first time here..stumbled here from DL's place.

You had me at Hugh Hefner hair...that's just crazy enough for me to enjoy.

Great blog.