Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Top Ten Fewer Things In My Life

This baby's changing things.  Here are a few, in the order in which I think them up.

10.  Sleep - They say sleep now, because we'll never get it back.  Well, why the hell am I so tired already?  I'm still getting my eight hours?  Am I that old?

9.  Brown hair - This one is disturbing in two ways.  First, I've always prided myself on still having all of my hair, still in the original color.  This kid hasn't even been born yet and I'm noticing little white hairs.  Either I'm aging or there is a recessive albino gene that is finally making itself known.  Yet for some reason, this doesn't bother me, which is the second part that is deeply disturbing.

8.  Aviation magazines -  Let me put it this way:  Do you think a cashier wants to read about cash registers all day long*?  Certainly not.  Momma Sarcasm no longer works in an advertising agency where one of the accounts had something to do with something to do with flying.  Every week she'd bring home magazines she'd been given because people assumed I wanted to read them.  I do not.  But she has a little problem saying no. Except to me.  

7.  Writing time - I can't write with her in the house.  It's like pulling my pilot suitcase with my left hand, or riding an escalator without holding on.  It throws off my equilibrium and I'm certain I will plummet to my death.

6.  McFlurries - Did you know pregnant women can't have soft-serve ice cream? Something about breeding harmful bacteria, or some such thing.  This sucks.  We used to have a lot of these.  And it's hot as frak!  I could still eat them in front of her but would end bad for me.  Not that it would affect everything...

5.  Sex - I know you can still have sex during pregnancy, but are you kidding me?  How creepy is that?  It is, in every way, the wrong kind of threesome.

4.  Work - Not everything on this list is bad.  I'm taking all of July off.  As much of August as I can.  Work sucks.  Even when you like it.

3.  Oprah -  Not really pregnancy related, and I suppose this applies to almost everyone, but I'm running out of ideas.

2. TV shows - My entire Tuesday night lineup got cancelled.  Smallville is done.  Steve Carrell left The Office.  In a way, I'm glad.  Serial telly is such a timesuck.  At least I've got a few years of Sesame Street to look forward to.

1.  My own car - Momma Sarcasm's car don't work for baby tot'n.  It's old, but it's paid for, so we're swappin'.  I don't know why I'm suddenly writin' like a redneck.  Maybe caus'n our cable company done added a bunch of channels and we now get the Dukes of Hazzard every night.  YeeeeeHOOOO!

*I almost quoted Kumar, from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle - "Just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn."
So true.  And a much better Wilson Phillips lip-syncing scene than Bridesmaids.


Elizabeth Mueller said...

Great post! I loved the pregnant sex comment! ;)

Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?
YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

Trisha said...

LOL the wrong kind of threesome... um, yeah.

All the women I know with grey hairs seem to have had kids... ;)

KLM said...

Where have I been all these many months? I just checked in after a long, long absence and there's all kinds great schtuff going on in your life!

Many congrats on the (almost) new baby. Had one myself in April so I know what fresh hell awaits you.*
As far as being too old, my husband tells me this all the time whenever I complain about something, "Well, what did you expect? You're too damn old to have a baby."

*Kidding, man. It's great. You'll love it. :)


Jeanne said...

Don't think about the Top 10 Things you no longer have. Think about the Top 1 million things you WILL have...

1. Diapers
2. Diapers
3. Diapers
4. Doctor Visits
5. Projectile Vomit
6. Toys Galore
7. Visitors
8. Baby worries
9. Toothless baby grins
10. baby fingers and toes
11. feelings of unbelievable love

Can't wait till the baby is here!

Dana Elmendorf said...

I get the whole, I need to write alone. Please leave. That must stink. Then after the little guy gets here, you'll really be juggling. We always find time for the things we love. Good luck on the parenting, it's a roller coaster of happy vs. zombie.

Raising Marshmallows said...

Your list had me laughing...with you not at you!

erica m. chapman said...

Ha! The wrong kind of threesome. You are a very honest man.

The Office is getting a little old anyway. You should watch True Blood or Dexter, now those are shows that ROCK.

*waves* I know I've been MIA, but thought I'd drop by and say what's up! Hope you are well. Love the post! and congrats!! ;o)


MC Howe said...

Thanks everyone. I'm glad you can all laugh at #ahem# with me.

Jeanne - some of your list is better. Not all of it.

Erica - Nice to see you again. I do watch True Love and Dexter. And I thought the Office had some of its best moments this season. Until Will Ferrell. What a letdown.