Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Big Red Flag

“Who is this Matt guy?”  I heard him ask another captain.  “I don’t get it.  Every day I fly with a different reserve pilot.  I guess no one ever wants to fly with me again.”

Again?  As in, a second time?  And thus was raised the big red flag.

Within a minute and a half in the same cockpit, I understood.

He was far too important.  I was just the necessary body in the second seat.  Necessary only because the law says so.  Certainly not because of anything I might contribute.  I was just there to raise the gear, speak when spoken to.  And listen to ridiculous ramblings.

He was the kind of guy who doesn’t hear unless he’s looking at you, and knows ahead of time you’re going to be speaking.  The kind of guy who doesn’t follow standard operating procedures.  Forget the experts who write the manuals and program the simulators.  He knows a better way.

And he’s successful.  So successful.  It’s tax day, after all, and he had to write the IRS a check for $35,000.

Although, he then explained how he files quarterly, making April 15 rather insignificant.  But that’s what you have to do when you build hotels, refurbish boats and spend your days on the links as a professional golfer.  He owns four houses, don’t ya know?  And an 81 foot yacht.

Yet, he still works at the same crappy airline as me.

Something doesn’t add up.  Oh, and he was involved in the Iran/Contra scandal.  Worked for Oliver North, I suppose.  So, who can you believe?  Maybe it adds up after all.

Whatever.  I nearly took him out with a little hand sanitizer.  I guess he’s allergic.  Next time I’ll use it before we shake hands.


Bossy Betty said...

Get the extra strength sanitizer.

Kristin Rae said...

Wow. That's really hilarious. So sorry you had to sit through that.

Purell for the WIN!

Kirsten Lesko said...

LOL - is this the same guy that always torments you?

Matt said...

Sadly, this is a new guy. I've never met him before. To further frighten feeble flyers, keep in mind, most of the people I write about are not recurrent characters.

Kristen - Thanks for finally following. I finally figured out how to add your blog to my sidebar. Now do I need a wordpress account to comment?

Natalie said...

I had a friend in high school who was a habitual liar. I just rolled my eyes whenever she'd start in on one of her stories. This guy sounds like the same breed. I wonder what makes people feel they need to embellish their lives so much?

Amy Saia said...

Wow, I don't know how people lie like that either. And why do others feel the need to brag about big material things like that, anyway? Doesn't make sense to me.

Sorry you have to fly with him!

Matt said...

I don't know about the rest of you, but there seems to be an epidemic of self-centeredness. More often than not, the people I talk to only talk about themselves. Whether they tell the truth or not, I don't know. Seldom do they ever ask about me, and when they do, I get the feeling they aren't really listening. This goober yesterday, asked what I do when I'm not flying. With great reluctance, I told him about my writing. He was interested for about 10 seconds and then it was right back to all about him.