Friday, April 9, 2010

Boiling The Blood

Leave it to my hillbilly neighbors to complain about free stuff.  Not the free golf cart, mind you.  I’m talking vacation.  They’ve only been on a few this year, so please understand their crankiness.

It seems that when Howard’s company offered the pair a free Caribbean cruise, they were under the impression it would include having their fingernails forcibly removed.  And the kids weren’t invited.  And it wasn’t a Disney Cruise.

For shame!

Alas, they still went, and Moira’s New York relatives came down to watch the kids.  But with security chief Howard off the reservation, you know things had to go wrong.  Lo, somebody parked on his grass.  A major violation, which, had he been there, would surely have resulted in jail time for the offending party.  Who just happened to be one of his relatives.

So after hearing how horrible his free cruise was; how awful the food was; how poor the service was, I reminded him that he could have been visiting with his relatives, with whom he spent zero minutes.  That got an eyeroll.  Thankfully, I saved the big guns for last. 

He was livid that the maintenance truck had a flat tire and vowed to buy an air compressor to refill it.  I then suggested he buy spike strips for his front lawn and told him about the grass parking.  Suspicion crept onto his face.  After a few leading questions it was confirmed that, in fact, it was Moira’s relatives who had slaughtered those innocent blades of grass.

Heads will roll.  Noggins will be knocked, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see a concrete barrier go up around his house.

You don’t know how hard it was waiting for Howard to get home from his cruise.  I freely admit to enjoying making his blood boil.  It offers such fodder.  And let’s face it, I’m ever so tired of the junkyard growing next door.

Now, I would never willingly post a picture of someone’s yard without their knowledge.  Especially when it would be so exposed to sarcastic ridicule.  Instead, I offer two pictures of my fence.  Enjoy.





Amy Saia said...

Nice green paint on the fence, I'm impressed! Apparently, you get full access to view their hot tub parties. That would give me the creeps.

Matt said...

Thank goodness the only use the hot tub gets is as a serving table during parties.

And I didn't paint the fence. It was born that way.

Kathy said...

Wow. I thought that was a coffin, not a hot tub.

I must have some imagination.

KLM said...

When Howard someday sues your ass for defamation or libel or whatever it is you sue people for their smartassery, I will be there for you, brother, passing the hat for your defense fund. Having that courthouse vigil, wearing a t-shirt that says, "Free Matt."

Oh, and this is why I would never go on a cruise. That boat was probably full of Howard and Moiras, all bitching about the buffet line offerings.

Bossy Betty said...

You're going to have to do better for trashy back yards. Oh, I've got ammo! I can win!

Kirsten Lesko said...

"Thank goodness the only use the hot tub gets is as a serving table during parties." LMAO!

Bossy Betty - I'd love to see your neighbor's backyard.

Amy Saia said...